Penninghame Process

Transformational Courses

Liz Slingsby

The Gift of Christmas – our rescue plan for beating the Christmas blues and claiming back your festive joy

by

The festive season can often bring much merriment and cheer, but we know and understand that for many, it can also be a very difficult time of the year.

Many of you may relate to thoughts such as:

  • Christmas makes me feel so empty. It brings it home to me everything I don’t have.
  • I can’t cope with my family over Christmas, they are so difficult and inconsiderate, we always end up having arguments. I just don’t have a good time.
  • I’ve got so many problems and so much to deal with, how can I get happy about Christmas.
  • I feel so lonely at Christmas, everyone else seems to have what I want, how can I feel happy and complete when so much is missing.
  • There are so many demands on my time over Christmas, I can’t please everyone and people make me feel so guilty if I can’t spend time with them.
  • Christmas just reminds me that another year has passed and I’m still stuck in the same old rut and nothing has changed yet again, I wish Christmas was over so I don’t have to deal with all these feelings.

All of these are quite common thoughts and feelings to have around the festive season, but the good news is, it doesn’t have to be this way. We pick up and develop this kind of thinking throughout our lives unconsciously, but it is possible to change our thinking and how we feel over the Christmas period. It is possible to take back control of how you feel, and have an experience of Christmas that is filled with ease and joy, or at the very least, much less stress and turmoil.

So, here is our 4 step AA rescue plan for beating the festive blues, and shifting your experience of the festive season

1. Appreciation

You’ve herd the phase “there is always something to feel grateful for”, right? But in all honestly, when you feel low, it can just sound like some cheesy throw-away line, and you don’t really believe that finding things to be grateful for will make any difference at all. But we’re not simply saying ‘think of the many other people in the world who have it a whole lot worse than you, and be grateful for what you have’. Everyone has their own struggles and challenges, and just because others may be apparently ‘worse’, that doesn’t make your feelings invalid.

However, if you really focus on finding things in your life you can appreciate, things that are relevant and personal to you, the climate of thoughts and feelings that you create in your life will begin to change, and you will feel the effects of this. What you will actually experience on a day to day basis, is less of the negative thoughts that you don’t enjoy, and more of the happier more enjoyable thoughts and feelings that you do want. It is as simple and logical as that. Spending time appreciating the things you have to feel grateful for, actually shifts your experience of life. There may well still be some big issues you want to address in your life, but at least you have done something about making a start to shift your mindset and how you feel on a daily basis, and when you are coming from a place of acknowledging what is good, you will naturally start to feel, create and attract more of that. You are also much more likely to be effective in addressing the issues you want to overcome if you are not stuck in focusing on your negative thoughts which are by their nature, not going to help you in changing the situation you want to change.

So, give yourself the gift of savouring any small moment or thing that you can find to feel appreciation for over the festive season.  Maybe it’s the beauty of nature on a crisp winters day, or savouring some time to relax on cosy days or nights in. It could be something as small as enjoying a few kind words and a smile exchanged with a shop assistant amidst all the Christmas rush. Whatever it is, simply spending a few moments appreciating the feelings of joy, pleasure, love, or whatever the feeling is that arises in you when you experience this thing, and enjoy it. When you shift your thinking from what is lacking, to the abundance of things to be grateful for that are there, your whole experience shifts. It doesn’t have to be a big exercise, just try to do this little and often, or when you catch yourself thinking negatively. Gradually you will notice that you are feeling happier more and more often.

2. Acceptance

We all have our images and expectations around what would be the perfect Christmas. The perfect family meal, the perfect thoughtful gift from a partner, appreciative helpful children, considerate relatives that are a pleasure to be around, chatting and laughing around a log fire, playing games and having fun together with no tension or arguments. But very often our experience doesn’t live up to our expectations, and we find ourselves spending much of the time frustrated and wishing things were different. How would it be if you were to drop all these expectations you have around the festive season? That might sound difficult, or even unreasonable to do. The fairy tale images are everywhere! And Surely its ok to want to have a loving family and a happy Christmas and all that comes with that? Of course it is, but the truth is, all the time you spend wishing things were different, you are closing yourself from the possibility of experiencing more of what it is you want, and missing out on the golden moments that are there available for you to enjoy.

With this in mind, try noticing the moments you drift into wishing things were different, and try for a moment to let the expectations go and see what opening arises. The situation might not be the perfect image in your mind, but simply the act of dropping the expectations releases the futility and frustration and allows an opening for you to experience something different.

This could be as simple as letting go of the expectation to have a perfectly tidy house, and not worrying about the wrapping paper all over the floor, so that you can actually enjoy your children opening their presents. Or dropping the expectation for everyone to play the board game you want to play, and instead enjoying a family film together.

This doesn’t mean you have to accept situations that are really uncomfortable or unpleasant for you, and despite all your best intentions, and efforts to change your thoughts and expectations, there will inevitably be things that happen that challenge your festive glow.

Your mother-in-law sulks if you don’t invite her round for Christmas dinner, your father in law drinks too much and starts insulting people at the dinner table, your wife doesn’t seem to appreciate the thoughtful gift you got her, and instead she seems stressed and snappy with you, or you feel like no one helps with anything all day and you feel completely invisible. All the kinds of things that do not make for a very calm and cool Yule. But joking aside, the things that may seem small in the grand scheme of things normally, can actually cause a lot of tension, and even conflict and division between family members at this time of year.

In these situations it is important to not waste your energy in resistance and frustration, if only for the sake of your own sanity.

What that means is, not responding with sarcasm, reacting in haste or anger to someone else’s comment, not jumping in to criticise someone else’s behaviour. Instead take a step back, and sprinkle in a little acceptance to these situations. What this does is allow you to create a space before you react, and before you end up feeling stressed, angered or upset.

With that, what acceptance also brings, is the essence of equal dignity. If we bring equal dignity into the situation, this means that we understand that everyone has an equal right to their own wants and needs, within reason. We may not like it, we may not agree, but we can choose not to let other people or situations negatively impact how we feel. So if your mother in law is sulking for not being invited for Christmas dinner, recognise that is her choice to sulk, just as it is yours not to invite her. She is may unfortunately cause herself negative feelings and stress over it, but you don’t need to let that affect you. If you can come to this acceptance, quite often the heat in a situation is diffused and you are much more able to either not let situations or people impact how you feel, or to act in a way that is more useful in resolving the situation.

3. Acts of kindness

It really is true that you get back what you give, and more so. Through the act of giving, the gifts you receive are just as great as that which you gave.

Have you ever reflected on those small moments of mutual recognition and connection that happen when a small random act of kindness occurs? Like the grateful glance you exchange when you help pick up the contents of a fellow frazzled shoppers bag as they drop it all over the floor, they are grateful someone cared and took the time to help them, and you feel equally happy to have been able to lighten someone else’s load, and for the appreciation they showed.

There are countless moments in any day when it is possible to perform small acts of kindness, not only contributing to brightening someone else’s day, but also in turn contributing to your experience of feeling more connection and more joy.

Could you shovel your elderly neighbours footpath or take them a mince pie, show some empathy and appreciation to a busy postal worker, add some items to the local foodbank collection, or simply say how much you appreciate something someone has done for you? Try performing at least 5 small acts of kindness a day and notice the difference it makes to the amount of positive feelings you experience, it’s the Christmas gift that keeps on giving, and it doesn’t have to cost a thing.

4. Action

If you are doing the 3 things we have already discussed, you are already probably well on your way to diffusing your negative feelings around the festive season, and feelings of blame and resentment are probably much less a feature of your experience. And you are also already doing this next stage, which is taking personal responsibility and taking action.

Just as you have been choosing to take some steps to change your thoughts and experience of the festive period, it is also important to remember that it is your choice, and your personal responsibility to take action if there a something you would like to change.

Remembering that how you think feel and act is your personal responsibility alone, means that you take back your own power to change things, rather than giving that power away and feeling like the victim of someone else’s behaviour or some outside circumstance.

This means taking responsibility for doing what it is that you want to do, or asking for what it is that you need. It could be saying no to an invite over Christmas, when you previously might have said yes even though you didn’t want to accept. Or it could mean asking for some help with the dinner, rather than simply expecting it to happen. It may be that the person or situation still doesn’t change, but even then, you always have a choice about how you think, feel, and react. So you may choose not to spend time with certain people over the festive period, or to take a walk when you feel you need to take a break from people. Remembering you have this choice means that you are able to avoid getting caught up in blame, judgement, criticism and other negative thinking, and drop any of that attachment and expectation on others, which allows you to enjoy moving through the festive period with much more ease.

 

All of these practices are things that we recommend to do daily, and even more so at this time of year, they will serve you well as you navigate through what can be a tricky time.

Here a previous participant share’s about their experience of Christmas after applying these techniques:

“Before I went to Penninghame, I used to dread Christmas, and all the feelings of loneliness, lack, disappointment, and inadequacy that it would bring up. It was like heading into a depression that I knew was coming every single year. I would literally cry most days for about a month before, and have to excuse myself throughout family occasions at Christmas because I would get so overwhelmed by these feelings, and I couldn’t seem to do anything to change any of this. In fact I only succeeded in making it worse for myself. I was not a pleasure to be around at that time of year. In fact I made it so much worse for myself. I would be snappy, and just want to get away from people. I would ultimately be hiding myself away and making having the happy times I wanted to have, even less of a possibility.

But the tools I have learned from Penninghame have completely shifted my experience of Christmas. It took me a little while to apply them consistently, so there were still a few secret tears shed over the first Christmas I had after Penninghame, although it was still a lot better than before. It felt a little like my old ways of thinking clung on a bit, and since I only got to apply my newly learned techniques once a year at Christmas, my old thoughts about Christmas seemed to think they could sneak back up on me. But after year 2, they could really see I meant it, and they were no longer needed, and since then my experience of Christmas has been full of much more peace and calm, and all the wonderful feelings I was always missing. ”

 

Wishing you a Christmas of joy and connection

With love, the Penninghame Team

“I’m so happy Penninghame didn’t fix me” – The power of Personal Responsibility + 5 mantras to help you to take back your own power

by

“There seems to be a commonly held mindset, or some ingrained societal belief, that when something else happens in life, we will finally be happy. Certainly that was the expectation I had before I came to Penninghame……I’ll be happy when my partner finally commits, I’ll be happy when we have a nice house, I’ll be happy when I change my job, when my friends listen to me more, when my family respect me etc etc!  *You can fill in your own expectations of life*.

I was frustrated, and quite frankly, miffed with the deal life was serving up to me. How was it that it seemed to be everyone I knew was finding happiness, getting married, living a ‘perfect’ life? What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me? Even some people who I thought weren’t very nice managed to achieve all these things, so surely I deserve all that too?

So, I just needed to figure out what I needed to do to get all of those things to change, then I would be ok with life.

As righteous and comfortable as all this was to believe, the reality was that all of these ideas and expectations were actually only serving to frustrate and hinder me in life. They certainly weren’t helping me to achieve any of my goals. But I still couldn’t let go of them. I had heard before that happiness doesn’t come from the outside, that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you, that you create your own destiny, and I figured there must be some sense in all that given that my current way of thinking clearly wasn’t working for me. But I was struggling to really believe these new ideas because there was still no difference turning up in my life or in how I felt.

I can’t really explain what happened on the Penninghame Process that helped me to truly see and embrace the power of personal responsibility. Maybe it was the countless times the teachings were shared with such patience, understanding, and unwavering faith. Maybe it was the fact that I could really see that whatever these people were all talking about, it was truly working for them in their lives. Maybe it was something that dropped in as a result of one of the many processes during which I was so safely held while I expressed and unpicked all of the nitty gritty I really believed about myself and the world. I have a feeling it was a combination of all of those uniquely special things.

But something really did shift in me, I truly understood that the power to be happy is always within me, that it is always my choice, my personal responsibility. No one else is, or even could make me happy, its all about what I choose to think, feel, and do, and that is all up to me and me alone.

I truly did not expect this. How could me taking MORE responsibility for my life and my feelings result in me feeling more empowered, more free, more happy. I had spent so long being great at showing a strong independent face to the world, but really feeling sorry for myself that I had supported myself emotionally and financially for so long, I was sure the answer laid in someone else finally taking care of all of that for me. But at last I was able to see how dis-empowering and frankly ineffective all of that story I had been telling myself was, and what a relief that was! Suddenly whatever laid ahead of me seemed a lot brighter and easier, as my new understanding immediately took the pressure off of everything else in my life to make me happy.

Of course, I still want to create all those things in my life. But now that I am now not approaching achieving them from a sense of neediness, the whole process of life feels much more natural and enjoyable. And of course, that rubs off on the people around me, my relationships, my work. As  I am stronger and yet more at ease, it allows people and opportunities to come into my life more easily, helping to create more of the very same things I wanted before but from an authentic place, with ease, rather than force, expectation and neediness.

This is just one of many unconscious beliefs I had that were not serving my life, which I managed to unpick and let go of through the Penninghame Process. It was literally like a re-wiring of my brain. I did have my doubts whether I would have the inner strength to maintain these new beliefs. But for me, what I took from the course, has not only stuck, but it has strengthened and gradually completely changed how I experience my life. It was like once I saw what I saw, I couldn’t un-see it, and it actually hasn’t’ been hard to hold on to, because my new understanding has continued to serve and support me in my life.

So I really do thank the Penninghame Process for not fixing me, for the gift of not spoon feeding me the answers, but for gently showing me the way for me to realise what I needed to by myself. ”

 5 mantras to help you to take back your own power

1. I have a choice

Notice whenever you feel challenged, disempowered, or low, and remember that you have a choice. How to act or react, what thoughts to think, even how you feel. No matter how unfair the situation seems, how helpless, how much it seems like someone else’s fault, never give away your power, there is always a choice.

2. I let go of expectation

I want what I want, I want it my way, and I want it now! Thinking this way only creates negativity and resistance to creating what you want in your life. When you let go of expecting things to be a certain way, you get out of your own way, you stop spending time on wishing things were different, which means you are back in the game, your energy can be spent on taking effective choices and actions to get you what you want rather than being stuck in an unfulfilling waiting game.

3. I am grateful for all the blessings in my life

When we spend time really appreciating all there is to be grateful for in our lives, our outlook naturally becomes more positive. As we then spend more time focusing on the things which are valuable, meaningful and good in our lives, our energy is being spent on creating more of these things, rather than wasting it on negative or unhelpful thoughts.

4. I am powerful

Whenever you are feeling powerless, wishing someone would do something for you, wishing life was easier, just remember all you have achieved in your life so far. Whoever you are or whatever you have achieved, you have overcome many challenges, and created everything you have in your life. You may still wish things were easier. But in these moments, even just choosing the remembrance that you have the power in your life will help to shift your thinking back from resistance to how things are, which will have no positive impact on your situation, to moving back into your sense of feeling empowered to get on and do what needs to be done.

5. I love myself

As cheesy as it sounds, this works. Whenever you feel like you are needing love from someone else, say this to yourself. Don’t just say it though, really feel the warm comforting feeling that comes from giving this to yourself. It’s ok to want to feel loved, we all do, and we are all worthy of love. It’s just that it doesn’t come from others by expecting or needing it to be given. Once we realise that we are truly loveable, and treat ourselves that way, then others can sense that, and they will then be more able to show you love too. And the bonus is, we can then truly enjoy feeling the love of another, rather than clinging onto it to fill a void in ourselves.

Blessings, empowerment, and love

The Penninghame Team

5 Simple practices for growing in awareness

by

On the Penninghame Process we often talk about the importance of growing in awareness and connection. Here we share why we say this, how growing in awareness really benefits your life, and how you can do this every day, without feeling overwhelmed by yet more things to add to your daily practice.

Growing in awareness simply means developing the practice of bringing enquiry and attention to your thoughts and feelings as they arise, and we can easily do this as part of our everyday lives.

By practicing awareness of our thoughts and feelings, we come back into connection with ourselves. It’s the first step towards not getting lost in the drama of our feelings, or a situation. Without awareness, we may think that a particular person or situation is causing our negative thoughts or feelings, but when we pause and observe the destructiveness of our own thoughts, we get to see the reality, that it is not others or the situation that are the cause, but simply our own thoughts about that person or situation, which are creating the feelings or outcomes we don’t want in our lives.

Once we become more aware of the thoughts we have running, how they are making us feel, and what they are attracting and creating in our lives, we suddenly have a choice that we were not aware of before.

So practicing simple awareness, and growing into this practice so that it becomes part of our automatic response to challenges that arise, is really a way of cultivating a practice that helps us bring more of what we want to think, feel and create in our lives.

It doesn’t all have to be all about focusing on the negative either. Bringing our awareness to both positive and negative thoughts and feelings helps us to create more of what we want.

What we think about, we attract more and create more of in our lives. So if we bring more awareness to when we feel happy, to what there is to be grateful for, or to the positives thoughts we have about ourselves or someone else, we will naturally nurture and grow those types of thoughts and feelings, and so they become more of your natural state of being.

It really is that easy. Observe your thinking, and then make a choice. But we know that our minds can make it more complicated and put barriers in our way that make it difficult to take a step back and make a conscious choice.

So here are 5 Simple daily practices that will help you to make that choice, and naturally grow in awareness every day.

1. Tune in your inner GPS – Have a vision for your inner state

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a built in road map for your life, that automatically re-routes you and guides you back in the direction you want to go whenever challenging moments arise or you slip into unawareness or into negative thoughts or feelings, and get diverted off track? Having a vision for your inner state is this guiding compass, your inner GPS.

Having a vision for your inner being, is to have something which sets out how you really want to experience life.

Making this vision part of what you consciously choose each day, is a simple practice that will cultivate something inside of you that naturally crops up just at the moment you need it, brings you back into awareness, and reminds you of the direction you really want to take.

Try saying to yourself each morning…..today I choose to live in joy and peace, or whatever else resonates with you and how you want to experience life, and notice how many times during your day this intention crops up and brings you back into your awareness when you are going off track with this intention.

2. Take a break – Check in with yourself

Growing in awareness doesn’t need to be difficult, in fact it can feel like a nice break. Take a few moments each day to take a break from everything that is going on around you, and just sit with yourself and observe….what are you feeling physically, emotionally, and mentally. This may seem strange at first, but so often we just go through our day reacting to thoughts, situations, people, events, and we know that we don’t feel good, but we either just react unconsciously, or accept it and live with it.

You can do this anywhere… in the toilet, in the car, at your desk, in bed. Find a few quiet moments, close down your eyes, take some deep breathes and just listen to yourself.

By bringing this simple enquiry into your routine when you wake up in the morning, or maybe on your morning coffee break, your conscious awareness of how you are feeling during the rest of the day will naturally grow.

We don’t always have to do anything or fix anything. Quite often simply bringing our awareness to how we feel, acknowledging the feelings and allowing them to simple be there, can help you to make a shift, and you will be surprised how many intelligent solutions to problems arise, just by coming back into this state of connection and awareness. At the very least, you have come back to consciously observing your thoughts and feelings rather than being blindly run by them, and from there you have a choice. Do you go off road, or do you come back to your inn GPS and your vision?

3. Take a mindful-gap

Let’s be realistic though, we will all still have moments when we get caught out, when life throws us a bombshell, or even just something simple happens that tends to send us off in a spiral of negativity. We don’t quite manage to automatically re-tune into our inner GPS, and we can’t quite get to grips with how we are feeling or what we are thinking just yet. This is where we just need to bring up our temporary stop sign! Rather than immediately reacting, simply give yourself a small pause. Taking this small step is already is making a conscious choice to move into your awareness, so you are on your way back on track.

From here you have so many more options. Just by taking this pause, you will be more able to bring up tools 1 and 2.  and once again, you have a choice.

You could enquire… Am I getting lost in my thoughts and negative feelings right now rather than dealing with the situation at hand in the most effective way? You could take a moment to put yourself in the other persons shoes and have compassion and understanding for them. You could choose to drop any judgements about yourself or others that are not necessary or helpful. You might also begin notice regular patterns of negative thinking that you tend to fall into which you didn’t recognise before. All of this is great, and you got there from just first taking that pause. Now you have the awareness and you can feel empowered to take some conscious action to direct yourself back to your inner GPS.

But remember, this doesn’t have to be a big exercise, and you don’t necessarily have to resolve the situation every time you take a moments reflection. Go easy on yourself. This isn’t about judging yourself or how well you deal with situations, but recognising that each time you manage to take a mindful pause, you are growing in awareness and connection, and the positive impact of doing just this will have in your life, will continue to grow. The more you do this, the more time and space you will naturally give yourself in situations which would previously have just felt too unpleasant for you to handle. It might happen little by little, but it will happen.

4. Re-mind yourself

We all need a little help to remind ourselves not to get lost in the daily grind, and any small thing that we can do to support ourselves and enhance our intention of growing in awareness, all makes a difference. Why not set yourself up with the best chance of bringing yourself back into awareness at any moment.

Whether it’s using words like ‘BeHereNow’ in your passwords, having reflective questions like ‘where am I, what am I doing, how can I be more mindful of this?? as your screen saver, or setting alarms during your day to take your 3-5 minutes mindful-break.

With reminders all around you, you will begin to re-train your consciousness to be more aware as your natural state of being. They may not work all of the time, but with the intention there and willingness to be open to these reminders when they crop up,  many times the will, and it only takes one thought to bring you back into awareness and make a difference to your day.

5. Practice daily gratitude

We’ve saved the really good bit until last. This is where you get to hang out in feeling good, to practice nurturing what is good about life, and enjoying those feelings more and more as you do.

When we bring our awareness to what we are grateful for or what makes us happy, we will naturally become more aware of all of those things, and so bringing more of these feelings and experiences into our lives.

At some point during your day, practice reflecting on 5 things that you feel grateful for. Take a moment to really feel the experience of having this person, thing, animal, relationship, or whatever it is, in your life.

Don’t get hung up on all the things in life you don’t have, or the things you wish were different, this is not going to feel good. Focus on what you do have, there is always something.  It could be something as simple as enjoying a nice refreshing glass of water.

Enjoy this time spent growing in awareness of all there is to be grateful for, knowing that not only does it feel good right now, you are also growing in awareness and bringing more of this into your life.